Totally Real Journal Entry for Jake Hansen, May 29th, 2016
Do I want to see Captain America Civil War? I don’t really know Jake let me think about it. Okay Jake, think about it for as long as you like. Thank you Jake. But Jake, I don’t understand, why is Captain America even fighting Iron Man, it doesn’t make any sense at all. And Jake my man, why is Spiderman getting involved, shouldn’t he just mind his own business? What’s next, Archie and Jughead join the Avengers? Is this what comic book movies are coming to these days, just Mr. X vs. Dude Y because ‘oh, who knows just blow some stuff up and say it was in a comic book and people will watch it no matter what.’-Movie Studio Executive. Yes, that was an actual quote from a movie studio executive.
I myself am theorizing that the Mr. X vs. Dude Y for whatever reason genre is just getting started and therefore I will wait until it fully finds its voice until I start to watch them. For example, I am highly anticipating the release of ‘Raggedy Anne vs. Raggedy Andy; The Sewing War,’ and the instant classic ‘Bugs Bunny vs. Roger Rabbit vs. Peter Rabbit vs. A Farming Combine; Do We Really Need a Reason?’ So until these soon to be wonderful works of art grace a silver screen near me I might just sit on this developing genre that will soon prove to be the most incredible of all time.
Also, I am planning on seeing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles part two coming to theaters on June 3rdwhich I admit is another shameless and low-brow entry into the franchise but I am helpless to resist anything with ninja turtles in it so there, that’s my true and only weakness. I could save time by just mailing $15 to Michael Bay and then have the nearest stranger on the street kick me in the nuts and be done with it, but then I wouldn’t be able to write a review for my lovely readers who read this blog under blanket and pillow forts with flashlights at midnight. And so that is why I will pry my eyelids open with electrical tape and plop down in front of the next cgi fantasmagorical whatchamacallit and try to enjoy it the best that I can. And I tell you, it will take all the strength infused into me from four billion years of evolution to do it, but I will. Wish me luck.